that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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