I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
