I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
