I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
