She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
