Someone shit on the floor
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
