Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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