I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
