My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
