sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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