I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
