Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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