well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
