Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize