My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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