Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
