Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
