Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize