I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just had sex bonerless
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
