Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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