I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
