Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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