how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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