i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
