How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
