weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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