Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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