he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
