if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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