Princesses don't give blow jobs
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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