Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
