dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
