i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
