Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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