So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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