My hair reeks of homosexuality.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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