I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
