where am i from again
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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