my phone needs a breathalizer
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
