Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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