Dignity is for republicans.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
