Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I want to be your penis for a week.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
