One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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