the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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