This is not my ceiling
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
