he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
