i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
