Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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