Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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