Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize