I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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