I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
