hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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