Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
