a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My breasts were aching with rage.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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