How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
