i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
