3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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