how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
