Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
