I checked into jail on foursquare
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize