My vagina just recognized that song.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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