...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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