I am midnight drunk by noon
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize